Improv 3, Week 3

Kim Addonizio, "What Do Men Want?"

Does he want a women in a tight black skirt?
Does he want her, tall and skinny,
Does he want her to have blond hair streatched to her ass,
until she cuts it off to attract his attention?
Does he want to cut the skirt off with his teeth,
until her leperad panties are untaped from her body?
Does he want her to cook boucope Gumbo, Jambulaya,
or Okra?
Does he want her to clean the whole house, while he sits
on his shitty vessel?
Does he want her to raise the kids, as he affairs?
Does he want her to like his mother?
A man mind is like a banana tree filled with monkeys clamoring for attention.

Sign Inventory 3, Week 3

Kim Addonizio, "What Do Women Want?"

• Repetiton is used, "I want..."
• There is only seven sentences
• She starts the poem with, "I want a red dress." and towards the end of the poem she restates that she wants the red dress.
• She uses detailed images, but straight to the point.
• She startes the poem with what she wants, at the end she was confident she was going to get it.
• In the second and third line she uses repitition, but a comma breaks it up, not a period.

                Example: first line: "I want a red dress."
                              Second and third line: "I want it flimsy and cheap,
                                                                I want it too tight, I want ti wear it..."

Response 6, Week 3

I think the draft can use revision in a couple of sections, Samaria. At the end of the second line in the first stanza, you say “point a.” This has been seen before. Maybe you can say, “…the canal” or another event in the beginning, that the readers can imagine what you are trying to say. Also, some punctuation can be used to help the readers to pause as needed. In the fourth line of the first stanza a comma can be used between, “this” and “my”. The fifth line in the same stanza a comma can also be used. The comma can be placed between “it” and “this”. It is important to use punctuation as need, and using images that has not been used; to describe images in away never heard.

Response 5, Week 3

I admire your draft Spencer, because you used great repetition, “It’s still packed with”. The first thing that caught my attention is when you used the repetition in the first and second line in the second stanza and you did not use it again until, the first line in the third stanza, which caused me to stay interested in finding out what else it is still packed with. I really think you should keep the repetition in the places you placed it, because it starts where another part of your life seems to start. I also admire the images you give. One image in particular that I admire is, “Night set to slow frame rates skipping around…” using this image forces the readers to open up their imagination and see things in a different prospective, and that is creative. Although I admire the draft, I believe it can use some revision. In the third stanza, you wrote, “It's still packed with that one semester I wasted at/ community college in Florida.” Instead of saying community college you can name the college; it would give us a little more detail, because there are more than one community college in Florida.

Junkyard Quotes 12, Week 3

Two of my roommates and I were picking on our other roommate. We told her that her dog has flees and she got really mad, so I made one more joke. I told her that

“Flees were feasting on my brain.”

Junkyard Quotes 11, Week 3

I found this quote on the internet and I had to use it, because it is an interesting way to describe what is going on in your mind.

"My mind is like a banana tree filled with monkeys clamoring for attention"

I think I may try to use this quote in one of my poems.

Junkyard Quotes 10, Week 3

I read this quote on one of my Facebook friends’ status,

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell"

Junkyard Quotes 9, Week 3

I told my boyfriend stop littering and he told me "I'm not littering, I'm donating to the Earth" I was so mad at him, but I thought that was an interesting way of saying littering, even though I knew he was being sarcastic.

Free Entry 3, Week 3

Betrayed

He was 6’5 with dark milk chocolate skin

With a five o’clock shadow and dressed to impress

He was 5 years older and way more mature

Nicer than my first grade teacher

He got me with his lies

Young and dumb I believed I could trust him

But the nice man turned into a monster

Crying out for help as he walks into the darkness

Watching red dots drop from between my legs

I hear sounds further than I can see

In the near sight lights flash red and blue

As my eyes close the beat in my chest slowed

I begin to see a dark space.

Calisthenics 3, Week 3

Erika told the class to right something using "I remember" in class of Tuesday.

In Venus

I remember when,

He had on his navy blue suit

With a yellow and red spotted

Frog tongue running to his inflated

Balloon.

I remember when,

He walked into a blind room

And a man in a white coat

Stuck a silver fork into Venus,

Pulling out a wet cherry.

I remember when,

Tears tripped over his eyelashes,

As he set in a black chair looking

Into the moon.

I remember when,

He flicked water from my cheeks;

Sending it to hell. Blood dies,

But comes back to life.

I remember when.

Response 4, Week 2

 Response to Kyley: "Once Upon a Time"

I think the draft can use revision in the clique and abstract section. In line four, the writer uses the terms, “damsel and distress, which has been said before, maybe the writer can use another term or name of a fairly tale character that is not looked up to or that ends up losing in the end of the tale. Also in line four I noticed an abstract verb, “ugly”, instead of say ugly describe something that gives the reader the same meaning, for example,  “…, but are we not all clumps of twisted frog shit?” I admire the last two line ; the way the laugh cuts the silence, enhanced the poem, giving the poem a wanting more effect.

Response 3, Week 2

Response to Chris: "A Decade in the Life"

I admire this draft, because the poem reminds the readers of the important events that has happened in the world, and he reminds us in a unique way; he doesn’t tell us, but he asks us how could we forget and by the end of the poem he makes you want to remember every poem by saying, “a single swollen heart can’t”. I also admire the way he started off with a question and the body of the poem is him asking questions and does not give the readers the answer to the very last line of the poem. This draft can use revision; he ends every sentence with a question mark, which throughout the poem was placed correctly, although, capitalization in the beginning of the sentence is needed.

Improv 2, Week 2

Improv of Sex Ed, fourth stanza

Someone needs to raise their hand immediately
and volunteer to tell the girl in the car
to unbutton her blouse for that guy slowly.
Someone needs to show him how to caress
her eyelids with his thumbs, then run one
over her lips, see if she takes his fingure
into her mouth and sucks, then turns her head
to the side so his moist thumb trails her cheek.

Extended Passage
Someone needs to tell young women that their body
and mind is laced up and tied to the boy the pierce
their insides. His dumpster becomes your; weighing
you down until salvation, adding on as another parter
enters your body, drilling you into the ground.
Someone needs to teach a boy how to become a man.
Breaking the cycle, learning to treat a woman like Mary
or Eve; the woman that birth the nation.

Sign Inventory 2, Week 2

Sign inventory on "The Contact Note", by Erika Meitner

• This poem consist of only three sentences.
•  She breaks the last line of the first stanza with "a burning feeling", forcing the reader to stop.
• All the stanza have four line, but the last one which has a couplet. 
• She is only speaking to the ladies.
• In line three through five she uses descriptions that makes the poem topic hot, such as, "fatigue and listlessness", "skin sensitivity", "a burning feeling on the face and eyes", and "fluid discharge" and she cool it of by using on description, "sincere fabrication".

Free Entry 2, Week 2

The Dover Demon

The vinegar student with a black hood pulled slightly down
over his lashes; rips my clothes off using his copy center.
A white car reading "University Police", tires grinds the ground
behind me, as the Dover Demon presses behind the Humanities
Building, plugging his butt in a bench facing the brick,
moving his head side to side, as if watching a professor write
the lessons on the board.

Following my mouth flickers', awaiting it's murder.
Keys crowned my head and stung the steps;
the chains painted red, dried lose. His bones
strung to my ribs; crunching them, like the sounds
of wind slapping leaves. My back planted into rocks,
as his s harp hand cuts my shirt and his eyes take pictures.
Snap. Snap, snap, and his feet playing the drum
was the final sounds.

Junkyard Quotes 8, Week 2

There are those who say, death is sleep until awaken by classical music. -Dee

Junkyard Quotes 7, Week 2

That water stringled me with its' hands. -Dee

Junkyard Quotes 6, Week 2

When I fell on your street it was late. - Erika Meitner

Junkyard Quotes 5, Week 2

Solitude is a empty white cereal bowl. -Erika Meitner

Calisthenics 2, Week 2

Introduction to Poetry
Black Cats Called Blood

Black cats calls blood,
as water hissed, tackling
the cementented walls;
swallowing the bowl
filled bones.

Black cats calls blood,
as wind twinkled
on one foot, lifting
his tall brown and green
partner legs from the world,
throwing her through the air.
Landing in a plea on white sheets,
gently crushing skulls, embedding
them into the mattress.

Black cats calls blood,
as traffic of bright light batons
pinched black wires, awakening dark.

Black cats called blood.

Response 2, Week 1

Response To: Kyley

The dark sense you give to the poem is great. The words you used are great and describing something dark and gloomy, if that is what you are going for, you are headed in the right direction. Although, in the first few lines I notice line breaks, but no punctuation was added to instruct me as the reader, where i should pulse. I feel there should be a comma between the second and third like. A pulse between those lines, would add more mystery, it would help the readers understand what going on, because would be forced to stop by the punctuation to take, the details in.

Response 1, Week 1

Response to: Dawn, "Leo"

The way you described the cat in the first two lines were good, it was not confusing for me to figure out what you were describing. Although, I believe you need to use more punctuations and details. I got lost in the poem a couple of times, from lack of commas. You should go back and places commas as needed. One thing I find unique about this poem, is the form and structure, is there a reason you choice to format your poem in this manner? It is important for you to know the reason you make certain decisions in your poems, because some readers may think it is done on purpose and would want to know the essence of the idea.

Improv 1, Week 1

Improv: "Instructions for Vigilant Girls"

Missing

On plain white paper, faces of young girls
lingered in black ink soon to be forgotten.

Dressed in a pink and yellow flower dress and fluffy socks,
that folder over her ancle.
She had a ponytail, with a pink ribbon twirled
neatly around.

Uncle Luck, not my real unlce,
but insisted I called him uncle;
he looked at me diffrenent,
than that of my dads brother.

Her ribbons flew to the tree,
her dress ripped to shreds, and her blood
mixed with the durt.

On plain white paper, faces of young girls
lingered in black ink soon to be forgotten.

Sign Inventory 1, Week 1

Erika Meitner, "Instructions for Vigilant Girls"

• The entire poem is broken into a couplet.
• Throughout the poem instructions are given to young girls.
• In line 8, the words are italicized to let the readers know that the line is of importance.
• In lines 9-18, short sentences are used, next one long sentence is used, followed by a one word sentence.
• Lines 7- 18, stresses the importance's of the instructions.
• Lines 3-18, gives a child outlook.
• The last two lines is an adult outlook.

Junkyard Quotes 4, Week 1

"Do you hear the bee singing?" - I heard this as I walked passed a neighbor

Junkyard Quotes 3, Week 1

"That bug just punched me in my face." -Dairyan Dugar

Junkyard Quotes 2, Week 1

"You better get up and get some water yourself, before you have a desert storm." - Eddie Griffin

Calisthenics, Week 1

Dumpster

Flies punched the air inside a green metal
Machine, sleep until awaken by a tickle
Of two fingers, lifting to empty unwanted
treasures.

Chunks of white, liquid turned solid,
Fuzzy green cheddar and rotten meat,
Swum through my nose, leaving a polluted
Taste.

A Cabbage Patch Kid with red stringy hair,
Cotton falling out the shoulder, and both eyes
Poked out, one lying next to the melted shoe,
Put on fire by a little brother.
Dumped and replaced.

Dress shoes, mouth opened wide,
As if a story is being told.
Torn, misused, and left behind,
Replaced.

Pots and pans bang
together creating music.
Singing The Blues.
Slammed down, scratched, burned,
Replaced.

Junkyard Quotes 1, Week 1

"Lets' kill some trees." -Dr. Davidson ( I usually hear, "lets' save the trees.")

Free Entry 1, Week 1

Home

The city where Grandma splashes spices 

In her vessel. 3 tablespoons of flour and oil, 1/2 pound smoked

Sausage, sliced to fit, 1 pound boneless chicken thighs

Cut in bite-size pieces, and 2 cups of frozen cut okra,

The creation is almost finished.

Poured in a plastic wrap the soup

Flows like a flush,

Until the white grain is added.

Yum!

The city where the different cultures had intercourse,

 Birthing a child later named jazz.

Where on every corner instruments told a story,

A story we second lined to, to celebrate death, marriage,

And birth.

The city that’s stuck in a bowl with oceans crowded around for miles,

Until the water embraced it

Cleansing the sins away, creating a new beginning,

This is my city, the city I call home.